Elizabeth Salvatore's Diary

Dear Diary,

I met two of the Orginal brothers today. kol and Elijah. They both seem like sweet guys and not the toughest Orignal vampires that they are. It is so hard to tell my enemies from my friends. Its so hard I cant even trust Jeremy and he is the only thing some-what keeping me from being a member of the supernatural world or dead.

I seem to be different from everyone else. I am frinds with Katherine; at least I think i am and then Elena and I are never on good terms unless it comes down to Jer. I am not the sweet and innocent little girl my uncles see. Deep down inside I am trouble, and if that darkness truely comes out, I may never go back. A part of my wants it to be like that but the other part tries to keep it hidden. I dont know what to do. This is to much for one night. Good night and sweet dreams.... hopefully

Eli

It happened again. The dream haunts me. I keep waking up in the dream. I hear some noise and go to investigate. I go downstairs and see its a Tv. A report talks.

"Early this morning, Jeremy Greyson Gilbert was found behind his home dead. Cause of death, an animal attack."

I would look to the door and run, but before I open it I am grabbed by someone from behind. I knew it was a vampire when I felt its teeth tear my skin on my neck. I truely wake up when my dream self starts to scream. Is this a sign that Jeremy is in trouble and I have to save him before we both die? Maybe I'll ask Bonnie. For now...

Eli

No, it happened again. I killed someone. This time it wasnt an adult and i was really close to this person. I killed my own twin. I can already feel myself going off the deep-end. I may never go back to normal. I killed my own brother and now I have ruined the rest of my life.

I can't be with Jeremy. The longer i am with him the more he is in danger. Not by a supernatural, but by me. His safety comes first. I have to tell him we cant be with each other because I am a monster in my own human skin. I just need help.

Eli

Every time something good comes in my life or happens to me, something bad happens. The latest one: me and Jeremy got together and everything was fine untill Adrian died. Now I can't tell what my life will do. Am I destined for a life of misery? Will I ever have something good in my life without having something screwing it up? Or is this the question; Am I the creator of my own life problems?

First my mother, then my father, the Gilbert parents and now Adrian. Something bad every time something good happened to me. My world between the natural and Supernatural is lonely and it sucks. Jeremy is in the human side where a girl can make him happier than I ever could.

I'm alone. I can't live like this. Can anyone help me?

Eli

I feel bad for Jeremy. Its like every vampire guy i meet I fall for. I am falling for two Orginals, and a vampire from Greece. They all have this feeling about them. I wonder if it is a trick vampires have to reel in their prey. Their looks, their voices, their personality, even their smell. Ok, lets not go all twilight-y here but its the truth.

I just need to be locked up for my own safety.

Eli

Everyone comes into your life for a reason, some for good or bad, they may shape us, break us, but in the end they make us who we are.

Eli

Why do I even have you? When I write in here it makes me realizie how screwed up my life is, not just on the outside but on the inside. Everything has become harder since truning. Not just the hunger or the survival, but my relationships. I've been pushing Jeremy off, when he was the one who loved me for me and not because he felt soory for me. He truely loved me as I did him. After Adrian died I started pushing him away and not allowing anyone in. Now since I turned I have completely blocked him away from my life.

When I saw him for the first time since the accident, I nearly killed him. I knew I was a danger to him. I always was, but now I am even more of a risk. I locked myself in one of the dungeon cells in our basement for the saftey of everyone around me. I feel so on edge, I cant live like this.

Jordan has been teaching me the things I need to learn. How to control my hunger, emotions, how to protect myself. He's like a brother to me. He reminds me so much of Adrian. He watched over me now that I have returned to school. I dont talk to anyone unless they talk to me. I went from a social butterfly to a talk-to-me-not. I feel so isolated. Will I ever feel normal again?

Eli

Despite how much I hate writing in here, I may keep it going for the rest of my life. I know it helps Stefan to remember what he can't go back to. I only keep you because it's normal for a girl my age. Today is my seventeenth birthday, but I don't feel seventeen. I still feel like I'm sixteen. I can't stand today. Even if I am the way I am, Adrian would have turned seventeen. He was great. He wanted to be like Alaric. He wanted to be a vampire slayer to protect the ones he loves. It's like I can feel him in the cold, hard confines of the cell I'm in down in the basement.

I can't help but to think of Jeremy. I think about him all the time. I know he's been talking to other girls and I'm happy for him. Maybe one of them can make him happy. Happier than I made him during our week long fling.

I can't celebrate today. I can't think about it. It haunts me. Will it always be like this?

Eli

Second entry of the day. I cant stand this. The only true day I look foreword to and I cant celbrate it. 20% because im still sixteen really and 80% because Adi isnt here. Nothing can make this bareable. How can this day even look up in the slightest? I was a terrible person an I guess I always will be. A murderous monster.

I've been a monster for seventeen years to the day and I will continue tone that monster for many more. Yet I can't help but to think of the little visions of when I was younger, sitting in a tree with Stefan talking about the things eight year old girls should be worried about like the mean substitute teacher and what skirt I was going to wear the next day. The world that revolved around nap time and tea parties with over stuffed animals. Not Orginal vampires and death.

Oh how I wish I could stay that age forever. I mean stay in the time and play that day over and over again. I guess I never will able too. But I do have one thing to say...

To Adrian my beloved twin, friend and foe. Wherever you are, I am sorry for everything I have done to you. I wish I could take those memories and words away.

I'm falling. Falling into a deep dark well. The fall never ends, but it lasts all night. Is someone influencing my dreams? Or am I having the same dream or nightmare every night? Is this supposed to be a message? The dream started up since James and I first slept together. Its going on a week now. Is this a message, or a sign? What am I supposed to do? Do I tell someone about it, or do I keep it to myself and see if it continues? I can faintly smell a musky colonge as I wake up gasping for breath. I know I smelled it before, but where? It smelled of wet dog and teenage musk. Definentaly male, but where have I smelled him before? Have I met him? Is he supernatural? How can I get more information on my dream if all I smell is wet dog and see a diminishing light before my eyes as my back faces the never ending ground which I have left to find yet?